*especially applies if mother desires a drug free labor
During pregnancy
Water- water can ease so many ailments in pregnancy (swelling, tiredness, and contractions). The amniotic fluid is replaced every fifteen minutes! Offering your her a glass of water just the way she likes it can be such a treat, do it as often as you think to.
Discuss the birth- knowing what she does and doesn’t want to happen to her and your unborn baby will equip you to speak for her when she is working and occupied with labor. It shouldn’t be hard to get her to open up about her wishes for the big day, chances are she’s thought about it extensively.
Read a book about birth- Having basic knowledge of how giving birth works can not only show support for her, but give you an idea on what’s happening on the big day. The less you can leave to surprise you the better, so you can be more present to support her.
*Practice labor techniques- It can feel really silly to do this, but getting a feel for how she wants to be touched, talked to and cared for can be helpful for both.
In labor
Your presence- Just the calm loving presence of their partner makes such a positive impact on a laboring woman. Your warm hands, slight smile, familiar voice and obvious pride and joy will encourage and support her.
Encouraging words- A woman in labor is a woman in the moment; thanks to powerful hormones. She often needs repetitious encouragement to remember that the contraction will end, she will get rest and the baby is on its way. Some ideas on things to say to her- “you are doing good, just like that”, “let’s get through this one together, let me help you”, “low sounds, just like that, good”, “you’re doing it, you’re gonna have our baby”.
Protect her- Keep tabs on who is coming in the room, how many lights are on, how much privacy she has and how she is feeling about the environment. She is vulnerable and looking to you to keep her feeling safe and sound.
*Understanding- Often times a laboring woman is working so hard to keep on top of a contraction that she doesn’t have energy for niceties. Expect her to be short, frank and even rude. Encourage her to communicate in whatever way she can and remember that she doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
*Avoid questions- Asking questions during a contraction can affect her ability to cope. Wait until after, and keep questions simple.
*Ideas for coping with labor pain- making low sounds, massage on the lower back, movement such as dancing or bouncing on a birth ball. Warm water shower or bath, developing a rhythm for distraction and a hypnotic effect which helps calm her and allow her natural pain relieving hormones to release.
*Pain VS suffering- For the majority of women labor is painful. The pain of labor can be managed, coped with and eased greatly using seemingly simple highly effective natural techniques like the ones listed above. Remember that giving birth is a complex process completely dependent on hormones and as a woman’s pain increases so do the hormones that allow her to cope. A mother that says “I can’t do this” or “This is too hard” is asking for help and all she probably needs are encouraging words and loving hands to get her to a place where her pain relieving hormones catch up with the strength of her contractions. Labor is not suffering, by nature. As her partner that is tuned into her you will have the ability to see the difference.
Remember her once the baby arrives- especially if there is a problem with the baby or the birth turns to cesarean, remember to describe everything you can see happening and to comfort her.
After baby
Support her choice to breastfeed- Having support from the partner is ESSENTIAL in breastfeeding success. One of the best ways to get motivated is to learn all the wonderful things breastfeeding provides mother and child. The first few weeks can be challenging; you can help by listening to her frustrations and cheering her on. Hormones are high and sleep is low but together you can pull through. Breastfeeding is often a confidence game and while 98% of mothers are very capable of making all the milk their baby needs, it is easy to get discouraged by constant weight checks and strict weight goals. Having a breastfeeding friendly pediatrician can make this part easier. Instead of rescuing her with a break from the baby by giving a bottle, rescue her with a massage while the baby sleeps. Take up all other household tasks for as long as possible, so she can rest. Remind her that her only job is to feed the baby. REMEMBER- formula is an invaluable resource for some families and situations, however, it is hard for babies to digest, causes gas and crying and isn’t the perfect substitution that multi-billion dollar formula companies want you to think it is. Breast is not best, it’s the standard. Formula is inferior, by far.
Choosing not to breastfeed- While it is much less common, it must be noted here that in some situations it is important to support a mother in her choice not to breastfed. It’s difficult for any authority to say what qualifies as a good reason, it’s a very personal choice based on many factors which it would be very helpful to discuss as a couple. A woman’s right to choose is of the highest unimportance. The intense pressure some women feel to breastfeed is sometimes the very reason they don’t try or quit early.
Expect negative emotions- Most women experience some kind of postpartum sadness or mood change. Talking about negative emotions can be very helpful for a woman, however being on the recieving end of it can be upsetting and alarming. It’s important to notice if her sadness becomes extreme or debilitating, professional help may be needed.
Water- Water is very important for milk production and postpartum healing. Studies have shown that a mother drinks MORE water when she drinks before or during nursing as opposed to afterwards. A mother will most likely become very thirsty while nursing the baby, so serving her while in her nursing spot is a very simple and nurturing act. Having water next to the bed can be a lifesaver during night time feedings.
Frankly ask visitors to help- The first weeks after baby arrives are exhausting for mother and father. Take advantage of the visitors by asking them to bring a meal, unload the dishes, fold some clothes or run to the store. They will be more than happy to help and were most likely wanting to, but weren’t sure what to do. A peek and snuggle with the baby will be just the payment they were hoping for.
Give physical space- A new mother that is handling a newborn baby day and night can easily become “touched out” and not be ready to snuggle up or make out on the couch after baby is asleep. Rest assured that this is a short time and just follow your lady’s cues as to how much physical contact she has room for.
Paid and Unpaid Maternity Leave
Around the world, statutory childbirth-related leaves, both paid and unpaid, average about a year and a half. Some 128 countries currently provide paid and job-protected childbirth-related leave. The average paid leave is for 16 weeks, which includes pre- and post-birth time off. In some countries leave is mandatory and in most cases, paid leave is a maternity leave. In nearly half the countries, the paid leave replaces the full wage (or the maximum covered by social insurance). This policy affords mothers, and sometimes fathers, time to spend with their children at a critical time and reduces parental economic anxieties and pressures. (Source: The Clearinghouse on
International Developments in Child, Youth & Family Policies, issue brief spring 2002)
In most Eastern Cultures women are cared for by a hired hand or family member for more than a month after giving birth. This care isn’t seen as a luxury, it’s as important as a car seat purchase. Asian mothers experience less postpartum depression and their babies sleep better and have less colic. Western culture could learn a lot from this model of care. Too often the help dwindles for a new mother at 2 weeks postpartum and a she is left to figure out breastfeeding and keeping a house while her husband is away at work.
Observing how other cultures care for their postpartum mothers can be a lesson in how much help they can really need. Extra care can be taken to ensure a mother is well supported, even if her husband must return to work before she is ready. Constant emotional support and understanding can do so much for a woman during this trying time.
Birth Connections of Stillwater
Mothering the Mother Informational class for expecting couples
September 8, 2009
