A long time member of Birth Connections led this discussion, giving us all hope
that our children will turn out to be good people and we are doing bang up job as parents.
Lucky you! Below are her key talking points!
1) We take our job as parents very seriously. We have a nagging fear in the back of our minds that we must make them behave now, so they will behave as adults. It can be easy to take the violence of a toddler as seriously as adult violence, but it can be helpful to remember that they are learning to communicate and express emotions and it takes time for the to learn and an example to follow.
2) It’s not us against them. You’d think it was from how families are portrayed in our media Movies and TV shows teach us that our kids are inherently bad, bratty and manipulative. It is helpful to remember that our children are good, they want to make us happy. The want to make themselves happy and become awesome independent people.
“Today, let go of all “required goodness” by affirming that your child is inherently good,
and is free to express that goodness… and free not to express it.
Remember that the best way to foster children’s authentic goodness is to let them see
how much you enjoy expressing your own goodness.”
3) Physical means won’t work forever. It doesn’t work to spank a baby or swat a grandma. Children do was we do, not as we say. It is a powerful thing to teach kids through example to be thoughtful, gentle and respectful.
4) Our worst parenting can happen in front of others or under other’s expectations. As parents it can helpful to tune into our inhate ability to parent our child lovingly. When we are in social situations with others that we know might disagree with how we handle it. It’s helpful in these times to remember that we only have to talk to and deal with our child.
-Leave the room, find a quiet spot to talk it out in privacy away from other’s expectations.
5) HALT- ask yourself if your kids are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Often times when kids start misbehaving there is an underlying cause. Prevention is key!
-Bring food and water everywhere. Bring things for your kids to do in the car.
-Talk in the car about where you are going and what you expect them to do or not do.
-Don’t keep adding errands on to your outing, pushing a little one’s ablity to cope.
6) Rewards don’t work. We want our kids to be intrinsically motivated. Article- the case against rewards
7) Punishments don’t work. Lying or deception
Being friends and parents. Use apology liberally. Remember you are modeling right choices.
9) Choose your battles carefully. Avoid coercion. Letting choices be made in the safety of loving guidance/parents.
10) Try for YES.
“When a parent refuses to apologize for failing to respect their child,
and for causing them harm, they are perpetuating the myth that disrespect and abuse are OK.
Or even worse, that they are just a part of love. While every person has feelings
and will react to things badly at times, I never want my child to feel that they do not deserve respect and care.
Someday when they are making choices of companions and friends,
I want themi to choose to be around people who respect them, and can admit when they are wrong.
I don’t want my child to dismiss a person”s violence or mistreatment of them to be just a part of love.
Apology can have that much power.”
Note- Picture is from chachkedesigns on ETSY.com
